I mean this on so many different levels today.
I have been bogged down by kids, life chores, and that dog.
Mostly when I feel this way, I reflect on where the day went but …today, I feel different. I realize where did I go?
The realization that it is the first day of fall is wild to me. I looked at my calendar and backed through the past months. I had such big things this summer to do. I also had little things too. They ranged from writing to painting, to get the house organized and not live like a hoarder from A&E. To walk the dog more. To lose weight. To gain muscle. To, to, to…You can decide what is big or small. I accomplished none.none of those things.
What I did accomplish is to reflect on a summer fondly and forget that at times I wanted to strangle each child for fighting, and the dog for non stop barking. I accomplished surviving missing a spouse, to one that shows up at the cottage on a weekend and uproots our peace. Granted he only had a few days off and wants to do everything fun in those two days and we were in the lazy stages of summer so we were traveling different speeds. All this makes transitions hard. But worth while and good at the same time. All this makes forgetting to think about yourself. Easy.
In trying to keep it all together – I lost time. I lost me.
I sit and think what do I want? Who am I? Is this common or is this just me? I know that in some ways it is me. I am still not sure what I want to do when I grow up. I wish that someone would give me a small job to try out. Between 9-2 would be perfect. One minute I think that the medical field always called me – the next I think why do I not paint more like I used to? To I want to finally write a book. A real flopper I am.
Where did I go? How does one find themselves after they realize they are gone? I am not a person who wants to meditate and hear my voices tell me. I am not good at that. I am not someone that can figure that out either. I am good at wandering – running errands in all the best places. If I have an errand or chore I can do that – busy work. I am someone who needs to be needed it turns out. I am someone that needs interaction and with the kids gone it’s hard. It leaves me to much time to think. I am now my spouse traveling one speed all day long and hitting 90 mph at 2:45 as they enter the car. When that happens the best part of going 90? I don’t think about me.
It is the quiet times, they are killing me, I just start to think about where I went. I think who am I…what will I do in the future? I start to see my age, and my non accomplishments. I just start to think to much. If you say start cleaning…yep. tomorrow.
Start doing that list from the summer. Yep, tomorrow. For some reason I can not get myself to do it. I need some sort of great motivation. I need to be able to follow through. I need to find myself….how will I do that…
oh look, where did the time go? I HAVE to run off to pick up kids …
I am back and will at least try to write once a week. My head is to full!
Over the last year I have thought about all the uses of social media – I have more recently had more thoughts due to the death of a social media princess. Peaches Geldof has passed. Many of you are like who? Well, as one old pal put it – I saw this and remembered your unhealthy obsession with her father and thought of you – ha ha!” It is true. NOT the unhealthy part but when I was 14 I started following everything the Geldof family had done and would do. (yes the rest of you followed “cooler” people…but, I digress ) This was hard and wild back then since there was no internet – gasp! AND they would give me a zillion things to follow since then. Good, Bad and just life. I have been following Peaches from her teen years and in the last few as a mother, wife, and found her so interesting. I joined Instagram to follow her years back
My point…now that she has passed she has exploded. Just like other stars do when they pass. Larger then life on social media. While some of us grieve her – not because we thought we knew her but because her Instagram account was fun, real (parts were), it was motherhood, rock and roll…and it was always there to look at during slow times of my day. I liked hearing the accents, I liked seeing her messy kids, her house, her pets and thought it was great she took her kids outside, parks, showered them with kisses etc…
In the end did social media kill her? Do we only put up things that make us look good? Is that to hard to live up to once it is out there? Behind all the posts, photos are we still lonely and afraid or dealing with problems to ugly to post? I have friends who post things that are amazing – their families do amazing things, their kids are amazing. Enter real world competition. Does it make ME feel like I have to do the same? I am sure if your competitive it does. Me? NO. I am far to lazy. I am guessing it could make you feel stressed, or like your failing. Me? nO> My kids are no prizes. I love and adore them. Do they make me cry? Yes, sometimes. Do I feel overwhelmed by wash – always! Do I loathe the dishwasher – YES. Do me and husband fight? Duh. Do I feel the need to hide and act like everyday is wonderland. NO. But I do not think that I am the norm. I think that people see things and put out “better” things. How hard must that be to be “on” all the time. What does that take from your family in real life? How tiring.
I have followed so many blogs – famous ones – everything is rosy and they have a few “bumps” then boom they are divorced from their spouse and don’t want to talk about it and go on writing flowers and sunshine. They don’t mention their spouse is out of work, screams all the time, their kids are eating crap food and having fits…etc…That is so hard to live up to you take everything for REAL they say. You are having a horrible day and they have redone a room in perfect Pinterest style in an hour – seriously?
We say all this has media made us different – people are more fake than ever. I am not sure. I can agree and disagree. In some blog/post cases definitely yes. Life is not all that perfect EVERYDAY. Do I see the false things around me YES. I would like to think that it has some positive too. I think that maybe others take it in a good way – they are pushed to live the truth and are pushed to do better – is that bad? If I know others are doing stuff – i.e.: taking kid to the park – do I feel the need to go because it makes me look good or do I go because – “hey, you know that is a good idea.” – in honesty I do neither. BUT, I would like to think that some people watch social media and get a good thing from it, they are the “hey we have not done the park lately, after seeing that – yes, let’s do it”. They do try new things and try to be better parents, better people, do random acts of kindness, a craft that is not something they would do, but looks fun.
Is today any different then the age people knew your status because you had a fur? Your kids had sweet petticoats? You knew your social status by what people had on and what jewels and how their kids dressed. By what is at the bake sale. Now, you know it came directly from Pinterest Now days, people dress more the same – in my town at least – or in the airport anyway – HECK everyone in the airport, has airport wear on – Lululemon. Are we followers yes, but now it is harder to see who who’s. There are no furs around here. Does social media make us try harder to do different. Is it sometimes not about doing different to outdo one another but to stand out on our own? Is it something that we can use to not feel alone with dishes to the ceiling.
I just want to think that it does has a positive side.
I would like to say – in down times/plain times: like a death or lost pet or child rearing issue, wanting to buy something – Social media can rock. When I felt lost without my mom, people were there, immediately… My cousin is starting a board for people who lost moms…we are not alone…that is classic people helping people. When a recent family member lost a pet, a few posts spread like wildfire and the pet was found. When buying a new bed – many have great insights. This is the good stuff, Right? We should remember not to use it to jump conclusions, spread bad things, or just to impress. Long lost friends reunite. Families can see cousins grow, see when an aunt is on vacation and feel that they know their family, even if 1,000 miles apart. And sometimes it is just fun. Pinterest is just a modern magazine at times when we are some place and can’t look through one.
I hope today you speak a bit of the truth today at least once before you mod podge a chair and think of a positive use of social media – a random act of kindness (even if it is just saying something sweet on someone’s photo or page).
– and yes, I will try today too…but, I will also continue to watch and find out what happened to Peaches. Because that is sometimes what I do – watch.
Every day – do you pay attention?
I would like to think that I do. I would like to think that in my life I am. Most likely – I do not.
My dishwasher – which is my least favorite appliance needed some extra attention (again) but instead of ignoring it again…i took it all apart and paid extra attention to Each and every part. I took it all and cleaned each sprayer hole, i scrubbed the inside…did it work better today? no. But I paid attention to it and it’s results…
I tried my hardest to listen to my middle sons stories yesterday – after the third story that made no sense and had nothing to do with what we were talking about – i stopped paying attention – to only be called out on it. Busted.
When in stores that I frequent – I go out of my way to ask people how their days are, see how the season is treating them…but as I look around I see millions (okay not millions) that are not paying attention. People walking on front of others, blocking aisles. Just plain being rude. It makes every fiber hurt in me…if only we would not be so self important and PAY ATTENTION to others…
When I go to conferences tomorrow, i will tell myself to pay attention to each child’s conference. It will be hard, and at times feel boring. I know that i should not say that but – I will pay attention to what they say about each one – and not compare. I will pay attention to how I can help.
Last night when I came home from a store –I saw that beam of light – It said, you may not pay attention all the time but there are great things around us.
As it snows for the first time, instead of freaking out – I will pay attention to see if I can see the land change.
Where I won’t pay attention? to the mess the old dog is making, the screaming and the cold coffee. Those things if I pay attention to – well could make me batty. So yes, I will pick and choose what I pay attention to-
But as Thanksgiving approaches, I ask you to PAY attention. And yes – pick and choose…
We all have them. You know you have heard others refer to them, talk about them…Where were you when… When did you find out …
For me, I love the stories that go with them. Moments. I love how people’s faces look, I love the feeling you get when you see someone talk about a moment and just beam from the inside (maybe not even from the outside) or the look of reflection. The reason they are a moment is that they have permanently etched themselves in us. They are left there due to a strong emotion – fear, joy, love, pain, confusion. They were left inside for a purpose. Sometimes it is hard to see the purpose, but you have to look.
These things can range from small-to- HUGE. These moments, they stand out bigger than all others, are the real zingers. “Jenny, I have cancer”. “Your mom just took her last breath”.
Those moments make me SPIN, take my breath away, and immediately produce tears, when I think of them. They make my insides ache just like you were back in that exact time. My finding out that I was having each child (pregnancy) was huge…being asked to be married was huge…but somehow the passing of my mom – BIGGER> and seems to be more & more so each year – because you see how that person stopped in that moment and all they are missing out on since. They are missing each little thing that creates those moments.
Today, three years ago…a women that created so many of my moments passed away. She is missed so much it is incredible. What she left is moments…and one is the biggest one of my life – her death…but instead of dwelling on that – I am going to choose today to remember at how good she was at making other moments GREAT.
She LOVED news, no matter what – oh I passed an exam, I am dating, pregnant, etc.… She was the first call you got on special days – Happy Birthday, Happy Anniversary, Happy first day of ….She was YOUR first phone call because she helped create the mood, and that later would make that call a moment. I want to be that person. I want to be the first call…because I am that first call, feeling is the one that makes it all real and worth remembering…I keep going to create moments for my family.
Today mom – I miss you – I treasure you – and I am thankful for you. I will do my best to create little things today that my kids will remember and that in the future, will make me their first call…
Posted on March 6, 2013by soarant
Life with kids is a different one each day. Now I know you day DUH. but it is nuts how a day can be so different.
My household is usually calm…wait no it is not. We have our moments of doing what you suppose to – being where you suppose to …but we also have our all-out fighting. It is crazy at times. The noise – the stupid stuff they fight about. THE amount my kids fight. It can feel endless.
BUT it is amazing. When something happens how we all come together. Really together.
My youngest had shelving fall on him – part of a closet system. And really cracked his noggin. We had to call the ambulance due to blood, kids, snow, and his lack of being him (sleepiness)…the other kids not only ROSE to the occasion – they went beyond. Quickly finished making their lunches for the day (that when I heard the crashed, I dropped completely and ran) got completely ready for the school bus all without a single direction. They were scared but kept going…amazing. truly. I am so proud of them today. I had the most stress and the most pride all in one day. A day after I thought they would never get along and never would our house not have fighting…I was wrong. What a difference a day makes.
They saw their brother go out the door on a “bed” and remained calm. Tonight, we talked about it and they were so understanding and caring it was truly amazing.
life with kids. it is different each day. no doubt we will be eating one another again tomorrow now that the littlest is going to be fine. bring on the thunder-dome.
Posted on January 3, 2013by soarant
Well, here it is a new year, new chapter, new season basically…HAPPY 2013!
This is the time of year we have all our resolutions COME and GO all within days, minutes, hours.
I will not care about weight. 13 Oreos later, the guilt, the icky feeling sinks in. I will never be in a swimsuit again. I am a loser…etc.…only to reach for another.
I will not drink another drink for a while, had to many during the holidays…13 hours later a friend stops by whom you have not seen during the holiday season – you think…come on, I did not have one with HER, so I must indulge in one glass of wine (x4).
I will not buy one more thing, this season was costly. 13 minutes after the kids are in bed, you find a cookbook, a must have Mascara, and one little Lego man your kid has been looking for – all online…next thing you know you have hit submit.
I will make sure to send birthday cards this year. Acknowledge the loved ones I have and their special days. You realize on day two, 13 minutes into Facebook – you have already missed someone special (via Facebook none the less)…you realize your still a shumuck.
I will get all laundry folded and put away asap. 13 trips to the basement, your fourth load is going and as you pull some stuff from the dryer and you think…why make the trip up now, that other stuff will be done soon, meanwhile adding a fifth ( I have two set of washers THANK GOSH), then a sixth and yes you have it all folded but just on the washroom table. Now the piles are to big to want to carry up.
I will not be petty and let people get to me. You realize you want to explode at just the sound of a person’s voice, and it was just from an email. Lost that one 13 minutes after being on your computer.
I will keep my cool with my kids all the time. 13 minutes after handing them markers and reminding them that you only write on paper, one comes to you and says that they saw another just write on a wall in the hallway. Your head feels like it is going to explode…you do okay though.
I figure my list could go on and on. What I say to myself is: that instead of stead fast resolutions that I should be telling myself: Just try again – starting now, and again in 13minutes. Just trying is just as hard at times. Just try to understand someone you don’t like, try to get why a kid would want to write on a wall – it is a large canvas, just try to make a healthier meal – maybe with a new cookbook.
It is really is all we can ask, Do the best we can do, and sometimes it will boil down to you smiling to yourself as you dunk your OREO in the best WINE you have.
2013 – ChEeRs!
Anyone who knows me knows, I have WHITE.ISH – Hair.
white-ish – depends on lighting
So here is the low down…today I was in a store. Apple store to be exact.
An employee asked me to take my winter hat off. What? I asked Yes, my hat. So cut to the chase: she wanted to see my hair. Yep. My hair. Then proceeded to tell me about hair and her albino grandmother…her boyfriend with the long luscious locks. And how hair this/that…when first asked to take my hat off I actually said “not sure where this is leading but I will not remove my shirt in this store after my hat just so you know.” (she did chuckle, well more of a nerd snort)
I have a HAIR thing. I am not fond of my hair. I had hair color. I had wave/curls/body – when I had color. I had different hair at one time. When younger I was not fond of that color either but looking back, as we all do from time to time…I think that I should have LOVED it. (Much like my butt, knees, eyebrows, fingernails…)
As I aged my hair changed. By the time I got married I was fully white – well not fully but in the back it was still darker (some call it DISHwater – pretty right? NO? come on well, it kind of was- now that I have NO color, in most certainly was. DISHwater is more of a color then WHITE-ish (not dawn blue dishwater, that is a whole different dishwater). I got just plain ol tired of coloring it. The money/ the upkeep. Way to much for lazy me.
So, I just let it go. IT went and some.
Then I started to not like it so – I went through a series of trials to color it.
First time – I went professional – it did not work well. My call with my mom was her just laughing and laughing and laughing…a week or so went by and my Nonny passed away and I knew if I went to that funeral with that hair result – well it would have been the death of me as well, my mom would have been Horrified. But, in the end I had PAPAYA colored hair – yes you read that right. I went to things with this hair. THIS fruit-a-fied color. A fruit. It was so pretty, great, not noticeable terrible. First I had the funeral and while in chicago, I ended up at a crate and barrel and the worker there (what is with workers and my hair) mentioned he LOVED my hair color but they were not allowed to have UNNATURAL hair colors so he could never do that…sweet, sweet man. I ended up going back in to the salon and she put in “highlights” to lessen the overall orange/pinkfruit cocktail I was sporting…it was then, we got the call that the Read Family was doing a family photo. Yes I am in it. Yes I look like a clown. Yes it is bad. UPSIDE they failed to put me in the end so there is no way to cut me out of the photo! I am there…I had officially left my mark. an Orange/Pink sherbet streak of goodness, no doubt.
Last time – right after having Theron, as many of you will attest – the BEST time to make major decisions on hair, I figured I could do no worse than the professional. My younger brother was getting married. I did want to look like the OLD sister, still overweight from Theron, and looking, feeling dull white haired and lame. So I colored it. OMG (as the hip kids say) it was horrible, festive, shocking, just plain wrong. It turned a lovely shade of Gothic Black. AGAIN, I knew my mother would kill me, she’d laugh first but – the killing would take place in a slight slow way – with looks and side comments. Do you hate your brother? Did you not think of all the people we would see, no no they will love it. Theron cried, he did not recognize me…I am sure I cried harder. I went got another kit (again decisions are just snapping left and right, no harm coloring hair three days in a row right?) – lighter of course but, still WORSE…Finally – Gave in (my theme) called the professionals. Now, if you get your hair did, done, do’d…you know that there are rules…Never cut your own, Never Cheat on your stylist, and don’t screw with hair color…Stylists HATE that kind of stuff…she did what she could…I ended up with what the professionals call, prepare for the high-tech term: COTTON Candy hair – yes similar to papaya but now it just pulls apart off your head. I of course wanted to avoid looking a spinster but it turns out I looked more like one then ever…she finally said – well, I can get it back white, BUT I will have to cut it – not just cut it – CUT IT. FINE! well it ended up to be about ? less than to almost an inch long all over…IN the end…instead of looking old – I looked like the porky white boy in a strapless dress. UPSIDE: people thought our family was so NOUVEAU…(you make your assumptions)
I stopped. Stopped. That and my hubby saying “really? do you want to touch your hair ever again? Leave well enough alone”. See being married to the black and white man has its privileges, UPSIDES…he has the knack of making you hear ‘DUH’ every time he tells you something or ‘told you so’.
I then decided I liked it. I had the same hair color as basically my dad, my aunt, my papa, it was a family. It tied me to them. It for the first time, something I should remember makes me Unique. Not everyone has WHITE-ish coloring. I had my mom’s color. This was something people commented on. As my mom got ill, I loved that we had similar features, especially our hair. It meant she was mine. We shared something not jut emotional but physical. When she lost her hair, I felt like I should carry for her I wore it as a torch – In her honor. She wondered if her hair would grow back that color and was thrilled as starting to come back that color. I thought – I SHOULD love this, she does. wear it well. Still have not found a style but am still wearing it.
So, here I am. White-ish. It is just me. I am constantly being asked questions about it. I miss having my mom around to show people (still have dad, aunt to share with) but for some reason when mom was there it was a bond bond. Where do I get it colored? Do they do something special? Do I like it. I never really know how to answer then – no no no sometimes all come out as answers. I do feel washed out, pale, plain…and yes do I miss pigment. Yes, many days I do wish I had honey hair with luminous highlights. Yes. Yes. Yes. But some badges that you wear are not as shiny. They flash internally. I wear my badge with my white hair.
Am I Going to do anything about it.. NO! Turns out in my book – the grass (hair) does turner greener…but sometimes it is not the shade of grass – but the quality, and who planted it.
p.s. I promise to find photos, just did not have time tonight. I promise.
So, here it is DECEMBER.
SO let me start by tell you about Gift Certificates.
in my house for many years there was a variety of them.
last year my hubby got me – no wait- two years ago my hubby gave me a GIFT CERTIFICATE for a spa here in Wisconsin.
I was thrilled because it was a) first GC that was not hand written. b) it was actually paid for. Meaning: he did not just print something off a page of the website and say…I am going to get this or you should go and pick this up…
Let me back up and explain…in this house there are all sorts of G.C.’s. I owe you one morning of sleeping in, a back rub, taking the trash out, etc…..I have joked many times about the above GC as being false…
I.O.U one back massage – really means: between the hours of ” I am not home and never”, and when you finally ask for it – “DO you still have that paper I wrote that on? ME: no HE: then it is void now. just like a real voucher, without it – no good… figures.
Or I laugh about getting the ones that are pieces of paper printed from a website and how about how I am going to take those to the place and ask for my free item that my husband got me – hand the paper over and be escorted to the looney bin. Then of course I would try to pay off the cop with my old back rub certificates ;), or one morning to sleep in.
BACK to my story…I got this great gift. Due to life…I did not get to use it. I called them and was a day over the expiration date and they would not budge. Money – gone. My first G.C. – gone gone gone…
So last year he gave me another. TRY and TRY again ? TODAY, I went to use it. It has taken me a full year to find the time and it was going to expire and I refused to lose the money again. IT was still in the orignal “gift” package it came in. I had not lost it, bent it – I had it! This alone was an accomplishment in this house. TRUST ME…in this house this is the stuff that happens – everything disappears, or destroyed…Just this am hubby asked me /told me – Jen why is there a foot/shoe scuff mark on our toilet? I went in to look and it was not a scuff…IT was MY MASACARA…now I have three tubes…but I refuse to figure out which one was used as toilet decor…see things disappear and/or get ruined.
quick debriefing: JUST so you know yes, I think it is a privilege to get to go to a spa – yes, I am lucky to have it and all that jazz….so don’t worry don’t worry I know, I know…I sound snobby. I do not mean to be. I am well aware how great it is…I was equally as happy that it was a real card
Forward on: I went today. I went with my sister-in-law. I looked forward to it. We got there
Here is my story, the story of my real experience with my real gift certificate:
We were told to go to an alternative door (very secret agent like, without secret agent results). Once we entered it was a ? pit/mess/not fancy. From there the unfriendly ladies – albeit they looked good, fancy escorted us down a trash.linen.dirty hallway (THE BACK hallway) to the locker room that was pristine and great. SO far, half good half WHAAATTT? Why was this the entry – because…wait for it…THEY are doing a renovation – the floor to be exact. Never mentioned that.
THE FLOOR – which requires a machine close to a say – jack hammer.
yep. jack hammer like noise. so relaxing…nothing says relax like your brain rattling to and fro. In some way my brain said, look I am home.
My massage was good, after I was RUSHED to get in there… – so no complaints and all kuddos.
We then decided to get lunch. Which turns out is all an open area and directly above where they are JACK-hammering / sawing what ever, the fun noise was. It was so loud you might as well have been naked in the sidewalk of new york as they erected (funny word) a skyscraper. (wait do people call them that anymore? you know one of them tallish buildings in a big city) we got our appetizer…laughing, YELLING at one another.
THEN my brave sister-in-law complained, had to go to the front desk to do it because no one else (wait we were the only fools trying to eat) but no staff cared about us. AND if you know anything about me…I am a huge wimp!
HUGE. I would rather complain to you folks, or cry in my sleep then complain. I once came home and cried because I could not get service somewhere…and let me tell you – it was not a pretty woman event. I was told to suck it up and deal with life…and if you read the line before this…well I have yet to do that.
We waited – she came and said our meal was coming out – NO wait, she came back and said: we are going to move you – We were then taken to one of the hotel rooms and got to eat the rest of our meal next to a bed and tub…nice but odd. Well, only odd if sitting in a robe in a cozy romantic room with your family member is odd. IT did look like an amazing shower – super cool, but not really a shower moment. At this point and a mimosa later…it was just comical. Our day consistent of noise, rude people, being reprimanded ,slips, spills and other people’s bad swim suits.
SO, I made it home, alive and well. We laughed talking about it. In the end I still had a nice day. I got to use up my real gift certificate…and when I walked in the door, the first thing my girls wanted, was pedicures.
My girls wanted their toes done. Not because I did. I did not. They remembered I said I would sometime, like a real pedicure. Even had A GC made for it. I can honestly say I took the time and treated them like I would have wanted my spa day to be and they are thrilled…even if they did not turn in their Hand Written G.C. I honored the request…only that someday when their dad gives them a real one – they know what to really expect
let me tell you something about noise…After this…well you will see I have a bit of crazy in me. okay some might say a whole lot of crazy. this is just one bit…
Noise come in two types. (okay I know there are a ton of types, but lately there are two in this house)
1 – I can tune out…this is the one where I hear – NOISE but don’t react or nod pretending to respond – the noise that when on the phone someone says “that sounds pretty bad over there you okay?” to which I stop and think, really had not noticed. hold let me see…and sure enough there is tears, and yelling, and your kid is standing there – bloody from a snowball (ice) and you have tuned out the screaming until just then. MOTHER OF THE YEAR HERE. darn noise. wait what ? did you hear that?
THEN THEN THEN there is this type…
2 – MY pet peeve, so much so I once broke up with someone over it. Hearing the crunching, not sure how to describe what it is exactly… I will try – if a person is next to you and crunching on croutons (mouth shut even) but you hear EVERY crunch…I just can’t tune out THAT noise. I seriously – freak inside. Every hair on my back stands up. which feels terrible, and makes me concerned. Why would I feel that much hair? What does it look like back there, I am getting older but really? do I have that much hair? Do I need to wax? – oh sorry, I digress back to my pet peeve… A guy once crunched his cereal so loud, again mouth closed (I of course did not ever see him in the a.m. it was an afternoon feeding…of course because I am innocent like that) but I thought I would die. I could nottake it. After that bowl hit the sink…I broke up. Just like that.
Now days, it happens with my husband, God Bless (my southern friends tell me if I say god bless after saying something negative it negates the bad-ness said…so as you can guess, I have been saying it a ton lately). Now I have not ever thought of breaking up over it with him…but it could make me well, not a nice person. BUT lately, these days my KIDS. The things, creatures, little pieces of me fruits of my loin that I am to love unconditionally – do it. I want to reach across the table and well take all their teeth out, one by one. which I can only guess would not be in the parent handbook. At least not one that is excepted. Then again, let me know, if it is. I would love to have at it.
IS there any noise that just puts you over the edge? THIS is the one, I mean it. Whining is close but it is can be muffled, ignored, drank through, so that makes it nowhere near that crunch noise…
ARGH!!!!!!!!! yes, I am a wee bit crazy.
just thinking about it makes me. NUTTY!
I came from a family that was BOUND. I mean – my mother was always involved when it came to holidays, birthdays, vacations, events. There was no if’s and’s or buts about it. (I said butts ) she would ask you (tell YOU, all the while pretending to ask you) what the holiday plans were. What vacation plans were. THEY were always super. Don’t get read me wrong. There was a time you would hum and haw over them, be mad that my birthday was spent on a boat, be mad to have to bend and drive to her… but now today I would do anything to have people want to spend that time with me (to have another holiday with her). I would and look forward to those events. And all events these days.
So what is it that binds us ? Is it being married? Is it that you were born in a threesome? Is it a club? Is it a life long friend? A new one? Wearing the same shoes? (especially if we have the same size and we can share )
Even with the loss of my mom I find there are times I mourn her and think…what is it, what is it today that I am mourning…not always what I think. What I have concluded is – it is the loss of a bind. I have many great great binds in my life. But, she was consistent on her tie to us. She always asked what we did on the weekend, how we are, what are plans were, told you she was proud…and she was the one that was STEADfast about being with us. Making us realize we were bound together and it mattered. It really mattered to her. She was the one that made sure we knew one another – we knew our cousins, we knew her friends, we knew her. She always made sure we knew we counted. I like to think that is what she gave us. A warm feeling and bonding. I talk to my brother three times a day. Why? ( I have a lot to say? or I am …weird…) OR well, we are bonded. My mom wanted that. Gave us each other and that. She wanted that to continue…
in tribute to…
I have been thinking lately – how she was so warm and made even the most hermitof people feel like getting out – because she would ask about you. Much like my spirit post…she made you belong – or want to…
your own ties…
I think that it is a matter of heart and mind. It is friendship. It is feeling seen. It feeling like your wanted. You matter. NO matter the distance. Or the relationship.
I have decided that I am lucky. I have that feeling about so many people in my life. I love them. Yes, sometimes I want to choke them, snuff them out – make them go away. But, I truly know what it is like to miss that bind. That tie. And I would never want to feel it more than I have to. So know, think and bond. Know this, I do care, hear, see each of you that I communicate with. I do. You matter, and we are bound. No matter how odd that sounds. Even if my binding is suffocating. I mean well.
are we far or near? (the bean)
I feel that we should let others feel the same. Not just because it is the season or your having a good time…just do it because…it matters…
these ties that bind us.
spirit is a word that automatically brings up feelings. when you hear it you feel something. it may not be the ones that the cheer squad has, it may not be the one of a dying woman taking her last breath, it may feel – yes feel – like something.
we all have spirit. we have it all the time, in all difference ways.
SPIRIT is a word that automatically brings UP a feeling. When you hear it. It almost feels like you have to feel something. (now now…what you may feel is a small amount of heartburn from such sweetness, bare with me) I swear it is true. It may not be the ones that the cheer squads have (never had that type, I am pretty sure my family would have snuffed that spirit from me if i was peppy annoying), it may not be the one of a dying person taking their last breath, but I swear it feels like something.
We all have spirit. It is something we have with us all the time. There are times you are a happy spirit, and then there is the dark cloud of a spirit. Take a moment to think of someone anyone and then say the word spirit. It most likely conjures a vision of something – spirit. Yes, even if you wear blue blockers!
I am hung up on this…because I have been low on spirit – the month of November kicked my arse and some. Missing my mom, sick kids, long days… I took to completely feeling sorry for myself at times: things learned: A) feeling sorry for yourself great for one’s spirit (NOT) b) really lame tv is on c) your hygiene can go to pot (not that kind…toothbrushing, then again…) but on the upside you have d) you can wear crappy pants all day, and be okay with it. Seriously. One thing after another, that darn November got me!
I told myself that as December started I would not be so quick to let it get to me. So here it is day 5 and can honestly say – going well. (no fingers crossed even when saying that)
AND with my thinking of a way to stay on top of it, I have been looking/stalking/ watching spirit.
Spirit can be found in simple places – such as on Pinterest, when a great quotes lifts up your spirits. It can be found as your child says something that can go either way on the spirit chart. I mean it – some days I could eat each one of them. I’d learn to live with the heartburn – gladly. Other days I watch them, and realize they are so FULL of spirit in good ways – loving, giggling, innocent, happy, believing.
I watched my son at an appointment the other day – laughing inside to myself – spirit. He is one way at home, and there – he sat full of “spirit”. Grinning at the people, smirking, smiling as they asked him questions and doing this little sweet face…it is his spirit that plays people to just love him. All the while at home, his spirit is more – well impish. You can have in any given moment, varieties of spirits in a home, especially with kids. I had one child tonight – who, well, his spirit was broken. Feeling bad about friends etc…and then after fun with siblings and an outing was somewhat RE-spirited on life. (IN the meantime my spirit hurt for him, now better as well).
I sat at a girl’s night out recently, awing at all the SPIRITS (and spirits – sip sip) going on in the room. All so different but in some ways so completely the same – whether we want to think it is true or not. Mothers, wives, friends, sisters, daughters, aunts…moving, talking, being. Keeping positive, doing what we can for us, others, holidays…our spirits effecting/affecting one another. Helping and greeting one another
Spirit is the thing that makes you say –I am tired. It is the thing that when your down and you hear someone else’s story. You want to help. It is the thing you get when you feel depleted and go to do something even if it is for yourself that you walk way feeling rejuvenated. It is the story from a person about laxatives & attending Pilates while experiencing the laxative- that just makes you laugh and laugh. Filling your SPIRIT…oh and of course…learn that it is a bad bad combination. Dangerous and dirty.
It is reading a good book or seeing a movie that you don’t want to end because it fills you so and when it does end, feeling empty because what will you read or see next that will fill you the same.
Spirit is the holidays – alive & thinking of others. Wanting & wishing you could do more & give more – often. To feel the SPIRIT all year.
It is the things you get from a phone call – a good friend that makes you feel warm and remembered. Having a glass of wine and a fire…warm spirits. It is the walk across the street to share a glass of wine, swap laughs, stories. It is sitting in bed on a sunday am with kids watching cartoons. It is a good cry in the shower missing someone…all these things make up our spirits.
Spirits are pretty AMAZING. In all ways. MY spirit is ALIVE thinking about it. I love when I can indulge in spirits and babble about the internal ones too.
May your spirits greet you tomorrow with a FEELING, whatever it maybe go with it…but don’t linger to long…it will change again. Or do what you can – give a shout out…and hope if nothing else – someone brings you SPIRITS (in any form).
sooooooo. Where to start this one. This is not one of the things I have written over the summer to put out there, but it is where I AM today.
ME in a globe: Good, Happy, Alive, Silly, still missing my mom a ton – more than I would have expected at this time. And yet, happy to have life move forward in other regards. I am happiest for those things around me that are having happiness again.
sIgH. BUT I sit here, right – here. In this place, at this moment. I am not sure what it is. I hear the kids playing – it is a great sound. laughing, fighting, maybe even spitting. I hear the keyboard, I feel the dog at my feet. and I feel – not sure.
There are days (moments more like, because they pass fast) as I get older that I could brag that with age comes ? wisdom, laughter, happiness and there are days(seconds, minutes) (though much fewer) that we wonder about ourselves. Who are we? What skills do I have? Where am I going? Why am I a worrier? Where does my family see me? Where do I belong? Am I a good friend?
Taken apart it is all logical – well – I belong here a) because who would take over my gaggle? who would (yes yes someone) but seriously if I passed today not only would my WILL have to have money it for 5 it would have to have a life time of wine! b) I belong here because I am happiest when in a familiar setting – and what is more familiar than your own home? I am the only one that can ever find stuff, I am the one that knows what lies all stuffed in those drawers or closets. I am the only one in the minute that knows the status of the wash. So do I belong? sure.
Where am I going – according to the calendar numerous places, according to me? um? here? Is that so bad not to know? someday it feels like a burden – ACCOMPLISH more, make people proud. Other days your like – I ROCK, I brushed my teeth, that was an accomplishment. The age-old question what do I want to be when I grow up? Well, today I want to be something. Really I do. What I mean by that is, something different. hopefully a children’s book writer and maybe in the healthcare field, or maybe just a babbler? Who know what tomorrow will tell me, just a junk collector, OR better yet, maybe just a super super lottery winner….
Where does my family see me? mmmm another – HERE, at a computer right now. Next to them in bed when they can’t sleep. BUT my elder family? I don’t know. Do they think that I am someone who does nothing? Do they think that I am a friend? Do they think that I am someone to be proud of? Do they think I am needy (that answer is yes, but moving on) as I reflect on this paragraph of run on’s – I am a worrier.
So, I am going to get up – RIGHT Now and do something. what that will be? yet to come…good things come to those who wait – I guess.
well i have written just been mostly in places that do not have internet…so coming soon….content. lots of it. not thinking that you have to read it. or like it or come back. but hey if your bored. please do starting tonight
Okay i know your not suppose to say this but there are things i love. love. yes. material items i love…products that make me happy. While on Pinterest today i realized I look up a lot of the same things/items/foods over, and over, and over, and…well you get the picture….i will share with you a few things i just like – love…just a few…happy monday.
MEYER LEMONS – so yummy, and so many uses…how can you go wrong with a lemon that just is happy to be half lemony half tangerine like…it is a great little fruit.
MEXICAN FOOD – LOVE- you give me some steak and a shell, spice. heaven. i think that i could eat mexican food everyday all day – and don’t get me started on tequila…Milagro…you are yummy.
KIEHL’S – their body wash – love the smell, the way it feels….mmm Kiehl’s is always a good friend.
WATCHES – I LOVE watches all sorts. i love watches…i love them. have one on daily. AND yes. yes i am always late.
FLIP FLOPS – LOVE. live in them…can’t live without them. My favorite used to be the J.Crew ones with the striped ribbon…i have to find a new favorite they are gone…i will find a new love and i do have one pair of TEVA’s that have cute stripes…but the thick band – soft they are still my favorites.
SPLENDID – the brand. their shirts are long – LOVE so your not constantly fixing an exposed arse….and or other assets…i have to say these pants i have lived in. LIVED…if they could talk…
IPAD – i am addicted to it. I don’t like sending big emails from it but i do love to prop it next to the TUB and watch abc player/hbo go/nbc player or a downloaded show…it is so nice to be warm and left alone. I love to FaceTime my family…it is a useful tool and one of the only things in this house that is MINE. i have a routine at night and day of what apps i use etc…a routine on an iPad…sad? yes, mine? YEP!
NARS – i like their lotions but i LOVE their lipsticks. they are soft and smooth. and have rich colors. now if i could learn not to eat off lipstick or where i leave them…i might actually look put together.
ISI TWIST AND SPARKLE: if you are trying to get off soda, or want to spruce up lemonade for the kiddos. YOU NEED THIS. today i took a pomegranate juice (from trader joe’s) and made it to a soda- okay just added fizz, but come on, my brain is slow like that it is SODA to me….it was sweet…it got rid of the soda craving and in the end it was a better drink. YOU need this. another great use: if you do Vodka tonics/ or Vodka cranberry’s …you can fizz the cranberry/or water and WHOLA a whole new drink. LOVE This thingy. just do. yep.
SPARK – by Advocare. You may have to try it more then once. but it works and has changed my life. silly right? but i have cut out that afternoon coffee/ caffeine need. it keeps me going. i love it. truly. not like other energy drinks. no gagging and no buzz…
SOMA – their vanishing edge panties. love them. no need to show a picture. i love them. truly. and some of their other wear – well it is pretty sweet too. soft. soft soft.
i got so excited writing these out i just realized the kids are fighting…i am not about to share my fizzy drink so i might just have to make them one of their own and move on for the day….happy trails to you all…
I just keep thinking that about that. From daily progressions to BIG life ones. The life ones. The ones that make you stop and go, really? This is how it goes?
My examples of life/small/big:
made to wear one, refuse to wear one because not cool, wear one to hide hair, won’t leave the house without one – why would we, it is cold out.
can’t wait to feel old enough to wear one, wearing one only by “snapping it in the front and turning it around, to wearing one to appear bigger/attractive, then hate to put one on, have to wear one or you will trip on your parts, finally can not wear one can’t reach to hook it.
want a ton. want to be a part of a big group. want all different ones (that way you have more people to go drinking with, fall backs, from different classes that way each day of the week someone can stay out) Next you want that great wedding, need all friends, we all hit the stage of can’t tell old/new ones …good from bad. Feeling used by the group. Wanting only a few pals – the ones that are married, or have kids the ones who get it, you can’t always get out or call. Now, you crave or want one/two small group that understand the loss of your mother, a bad day and can make you smile. Finally – you want at least one just to feel like you belong, finally your own group.
Then there are the BIG life ones. Losing a parent, marriage, kids, getting older,
LOSING A PARENT:
In your life you think – “I can not ever imagine living without my parents.” You are afraid that they will die. THEY can NOT die. No. Then you go through the age that you think my parents know nothing…NOTHING. They don’t get it and you cannot wait to get away from them. Then, you can’t believe your parents and you have not been best friends this way my whole life? In fact, you at times are semi bummed that you never knew you could have so much fun together. They are blast. Next you have kids and think how did my parents never kill me if this is what it is like? Then you lose a parent and you think – I don’t think that I can live without my mom. Then one day you wake up and think “wow she gave me a lot to be thankful for”. You strive and hope to give to your kids at least a glimpse of what you did as a kid, were taught. And it turns out the parent(s) you have left are awesome and you should not forget they are there. They are not going anywhere today. Think positive and think they are getting to be your friend now as much as your mom was (albeit a different friendship but you have the luck of sharing what you and your mom did or some silly stories) but it is a great relationship and you see a bright future (all the while still missing your mom – but there is the reason she gave you the “tools” she did).
Progression sometimes are or come from being positive? Which way does it go for you? Do you see the progressions in big ways? Only in small? Do think negative about the small ones and long for the big ones? Or is it all the same? Some of the things in life as you progress go better if your positive.
Every given day is different for me. Some days it is the simple : I got up. I got coffee. I got the kids to school (would like to add, that there are days that I wish they would give out lollipops & stickers that said I survived drop off but that is another days story). I got the wash done…so on: I properly picked at my face, got rid of those crazy hairs…surfed pinterest…you know the important stuff. I think that this is part of being Positive. As long as you see things in a positive light – the little things seem like big progressions in your day/life.
With that in mind, today I am thinking of the progressions going on in my life. My husband has been working hard on some projects – he is progressing – moving forward. My kids are progressing – their fighting is less ? No not that, let me pick another, they stick less things up their noses! WhEw I knew I could find one, they actually can let the dog out and back in. Myself. My progression is working on being more positive, and I liking myself a bit more. Well, with the exception of the usual – body, hairs, ear lobes, pasty skin etc…but in general. Today I like the silly in me. I like that I sat and talked to my kids all the while glueing three bags worth of conversation hearts to a styrofoam cone for a decoration. That is just a silly thing to do. (I refers to the glueing – not the talking to my kids – but then again I do have one sassy sad child today and not talking to her could be a positive. You know those days where your little people just sit and whine/cry about eVeRythIng )
I don’t have to be hip or cool. I don’t always have to be all serious and know the answers. I know that I am silly, I like DUMB things. And well that is just fine, today. Growing up is a progression but today – I will stay in this mood of recognizing that I have progressed to be me, me today. This is called POSITIVE PROGRESSION. Right? I can give myself a clinical diagnosis today. That makes me even more Progressive. And Positive
Hoping for positive thoughts and progression to you – whether it be BIG or small.